So, tonight, I was goofing off at the computer by myself..
I’m home alone tonight, since boyfriend and my schedules got changed, we no longer have days off together. Plus-side? I get waay more me time, which definitely leads to ‘I miss my boyfriend, I can’t wait to see him and not be a bitch to him this time’.
Downside? We don’t have any days off together anymore and therefore no date nights, or cuddle nights, or let’s go out to eat nights…
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Sitting at home, alone. Doing what anyone would do in my situation. Look up pregnancy websites. (My pregnant situation, not my home alone on the internet situation. Geez… The porn watching came later.
I stumbled across yet another due date calculator/pregnancy week-by-week site. Except this time, when I plugged in my LMP, I got a day by day countdown type thing. With, what appeared to be, an in utero photo-like thing. Like real looking pictures of what a 7 week/8week/etc, old baby looked like. INSIDE.
Up until now, I’ve pretty much had only crappy drawings or computers depictions of what my baby looks like now. And I call them crappy because they don’t make it very easy for a girl, who has yet to even see as much as an ultrasound picture of her baby, to believe that it’s actually in there or to even imagine what it looks like.
This time it was all real looking. I’m coming up on week 8 on Monday (my previous calculations were way off. Again. That whole thing is so effing confusing) And a baby in utero at week 8 has a HUGE melon, but it also has like itty bitty fingers, and toes. It’s even got a sort-of nose! And –
Oh my god. I have one of those inside of me. I have one of those inside of me! Like FOR REAL. IN. SIDE. OF ME.
And I started crying.
My inability to feel much elation about the pregnancy up until now made me feel like I didn’t really want the baby. My inability to even feel like it was actually going to happen and wasn’t just some crazy awesome dream that I would wake up from or some EFF’d up version of the flu made me feel like I wasn’t really going to love my baby the way I’d always dreamed that I would love my baby.
But I cried.
I’ve even been having some trouble crying lately. Things that normally make me sad, don’t. Things that would have me crying ALL THE TIME, won’t. I just don’t cry ALL THE TIME like I used to. I thought that there was something wrong with me.
But he/she is really in there. With little fingers and toes that I am going to nibble forever once it gets here. He/she’s in there. Growing up a storm. Waiting to kick me in the rips. Waiting to come out into the world and blow us all away with how perfect he/she is.
And I cried.
I cried the happiest tears I’ve ever cried in my life. I am so happy. Scared and nervous? Totally. But totally 100% happy too.
Even now, I’m crying and I can barely see the screen. And when his/her daddy gets home in an hour or so, I’m probably going to cry again.
I love him. So much.
And he loves me.
I think he’s perfect and wonderful and amazing.
He thinks that I am perfect and wonderful and amazing.
And we made a baby together.
And I already love it so much that it makes me cry.
