It’s only Tuesday?!

My ovaries are aching.

I think they’re trying to kill me. One terrible cramp at a time.

I’m really freaking tired.

I’m hungry, but don’t feel good enough to get up and make me something.

I’m sure there’s something else I could complain about, but I don’t feel like it.

(OKAY, ovaries. I GET IT. Message received. You can stop now!)

Here’s to another awesome day….

About a week or so ago, I had a dream. And in this dream, I was confronted by God. In a room so perfectly white, in front of him sat a huge panel. Buttons and switches everywhere. With monitors attached, and wires going every which way. Things I had no idea what they were for.

He told me, Create your Perfect Girl. Tell me what you want, and I’ll make her. Dream big here, I can do whatever you please.

So, I proceeded to do my best to tell God everything I’ve ever thought I wanted in a girlfriend. From the body, to the hair, to the personality, to the taste in music. I covered every possible trait that I would like in a girlfriend.

He looked at me when we were finished, and asked if I was ready to see the final product.

With a deep breath, I told him, “Yes.”

And there she was, just as I had described her to him. Perfect in every sense of the word.

And I looked at her. I mean, really looked at her. I couldn’t find anything wrong with her.

Except for one thing…

I told God that I was very sorry, but I could not accept his very gracious gift of The Perfect Girlfriend.

Because this wasn’t the perfect girl for me. No matter how many buttons you push, or who you are –even if you are God — he couldn’t make the perfect girlfriend for me.

Because I already had her back on Earth.

That girl standing in front of me wasn’t Cali.
Because, you see, Cali. You are everything I’ve ever wanted. With skin so soft, and eyes so beautiful. With a personality that perfectly compliments mine. With a heart so warm, and a spirit so strong. Even if I could, I could not have created a more perfect You.

And I don’t even have to dream to find you, ask god for you, or even wish on every 11:11. Not anymore…

I have you. And you have me…
Forever…

Say what you need to say…

I want to write. I think I have things inside of me that need to come out. Things that I can say in a very beautiful way. Things that I enjoy reading after I’ve written it. Things that I’m proud to show off.

But, What I need to write about, I can’t. For a few reasons… Partially because those thoughts about those things are not organized enough in my head for me to be able to let it out on the screen. It’s all muddled and messed up and uncertain. I know how I feel about it, I just have no clue what I think about it.

Also? I know that there are people reading my blog that I don’t want to know these things. And really? That was why I started this blog. So, I could say what I needed to without feeling restrained. And yet, here I am again.

I could get angry at those reading, because goddamnit. This is my space. Mine. Get out! Quit reading! Leave me alone..
But, I doo kind of post this crap I spew on the internet, for everyone and their momma to read. And if I happen to know a few of them, then I have to accept the consequences of posting shit to the internet.

I’ve thought about deleting my blog. Possibly moving on to another site, possibly just writing for myself, and my girlfriend, in private. Where no one other than who I want can read it. I mean, my writing sucks anyway. I’m far too out of practice, and everyone that’s reading are people I don’t want to. So, why not? Right?

But, No. That’s not me. I’m not going to run and hide with my tail between my legs.

So, here I stay. Fighting to write another day. I will accept the ramifications of my words, and be proud of them. They are mine, and I must own them in the same way that I must write them. I would not be me to keep them inside, or to disown them and leave them like a fallen friend on a battle ground.

What do I want to say?

I want to thank those in my life. I am slowly and surely becoming the person I want to become. I know most of that is Cali. Her unwavering strength gives me strength. It’s made me realize that standing up for myself, being confident in who I am, it’s not always a bad thing. I not only should do it more often, I can do it… very well might I add.

I not only want to thank Cali, I want to thank those particular individuals who are reading my blog and using it as ammo for their arsenal against me, or using my words and more reason to hate me, or whatever might be the case. I have also found my strength because of the shit you’ve thrown at me. It forces me to stand my ground, and though you may try, you cannot take me down. I will always stand back up, and will always refuse to keep my mouth shut. Much to your chagrin.

You see, I am strong. Stronger than any of you knew. I do have a good head on my shoulders, and I am everything that I have always wanted to be. You just didn’t want me to realize it. Because you knew the second  I did, I would look around and see the unacceptable circumstances you wanted to keep me in.

You always said you wanted to take care of me, but you lied. You went on and on about yourself, and didn’t give me the chance to realize how amazing I am.

Now that I have realize how truly remarkable I am, I have found someone who doesn’t bring me down. I found someone who only wants to make me happy, take care of me, love me for as long as we both shall live.

And you know what? I deserve that.

I also don’t want those out there to think that I haven’t done some bad things. I am not perfect or blameless. I’m just saying that you aren’t either.

And that’s the last I will speak of you.
This is my space, lest you forget.

To know that you feel the same as I do is a Three-fold utopian dream

When I was 17, meaning young and naive, I fell in love with a boy. A very pretty boy that made me believe that a lot of very beautiful things were real and true. He sang this song to me, before he told me that he thought he was falling for me…

To see you when I wake up, is a gift I didn’t think could be real
To know that you feel the same, as I do, is a Three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me
That I can’t explain
So would I be out of line, If I said
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on, the empty pillow next to mine
You have only been gone ten days, but already I am wasting away
I know I’ll see you again
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know, that I care
And I miss you
(I miss you by Incubus — one of my favorite songs by my favorite band)

Two months later, that boy broke my heart into a lot of pieces that took me a long time to pick up. I felt so silly, but I learned a lot. I learned how to build walls that no one can tear down. I learned how to never really and truly give everything to someone. I learned that there are some people out there who don’t really care about you at all… All they care about is themselves.

It was a hard lesson to learn, but I definitely learned it.

5 years and some change later, I’ve found someone who makes me as giddy as he did. Except better… Even my best friend Montana noted that she’s never seen my like this…

There’s something about being true to who you always have been that is really quite liberating. I feel like I’m 16 again, and there’s only ever been Her. She has made this song have a new meaning… a better one than a bad memory left from a bad person.

She left this morning. Went with her mom to run some family errands that cannot be done in any town that’s less than 2 hours away. So, before they left, she came in and kissed me, gave me a hug, reminded me that I can’t even call her all day long, and went on her way.

The second she left the room, I already missed her.

But it got worse. When I heard the car leave the drive way, I felt the twinges of longing piercing even harder.

And then it got even worse… when I didn’t even hear the car anymore. I immediately sat up and started writing this post.
I could no longer sleep. The Bed, the room, the house, it just all felt so empty without her…

But I need you to know, that I care
And I miss you…

When I can’t say what I mean… I let my fingers do the talking.

Two weeks ago, we ‘celebrated’ our 1 month-iversary. It was really nothing… more like around noon I mentioned that it’d officially been one month that we’d been dating. And there was our celebration…

I wrote this long, involved, emotionally-draining post about you. About how much I love you, how much you’ve changed me for the better. How completely lucky I am to simply know you and have you in my life..

And then, one day I went to go work on it, and it was gone. GONE.
I cried… Well, not really cried, but I whined to you about how I’d worked so hard and to have it all disappear…

You hugged me, kissed me, told me that everything was okay…
And you probably, eventually told me to get the hell over it… you know, eventually.

That’s the thing about you, baby. You always tell me what I need to hear. Sometimes you give me sympathy.. but sometimes you’re that kick in the ass that I admittedly often times need.

I don’t know how you do it. I often wonder how you remain such an amazing person.
I admire you so greatly…

Your strength of character, because we both know how much it’s been tested recently. Your ability for forgiveness, because we both know I need it.. a lot. Your unending ability to love me, because we both know it’s not been easy.
I don’t know how you’ve done it. How you’ve become such an amazing person.

But you have, and beyond my admiration of you, I make sure that I know exactly how lucky I am.

This morning I finally admitted to you that you had exactly 100% of my heart. That I could say that, without any fear, because I knew you won’t hurt me. I have fallen so desperately in love with you, and I am so glad I have let myself let go more than I ever have before.

And now, because I am not straight, not bisexual, not anymore… I’m beginning to see the other side of it. I talked to my dad today. About you.

I haven’t had much towards a conversation about you, mostly just dancing around the subject as much as my dad is comfortable with… And that’s exactly as far as it’s gone.

The conversation today left me feeling… a little bit of a disappointment to him. I know he loves me, but I fear that this may be a little bit much for him. I mean, I guess it was fine when I told him (On Christmas Day, no less) that I didn’t believe in god anymore. But, I guess me being a lesbian is a little bit much for him to handle.

Or like the other day, when your mom introduced me to her hispanic friend from work as your ‘friend’.

And I understand that you’re used to it… You’ve been through this song and dance before, but honestly? I am so not used to being completely unaccepted simply because of who I am. Especially not by my dad.

I mean, for the first time in my life, I’ve actually promised monogamy to someone, and been confident that I will actually follow through with it. For the first time in my life, I feel that I am being true to who I am, and am living the life that I want to live…
Isn’t that something to be proud of? Even if it’s not something that you agree with?

I’m starting to see the world that you’ve told me exists out there. Some people just really have a serious problem with two girls being together.

And in my simple, everything-is-happy world that I used to live in, I couldn’t comprehend that. It was so utterly baffling to me that someone might have a problem with how I live my own life. I mean, I don’t put my nose in their business and get all up in arms about how they live their life, so I just… Didn’t. Get It.

I’m starting to now… I mean, today going for car insurance, I was asked if I was single or married. Ahh, Ms. Car Insurance Lady… If there were only a simple way to answer that question.
I mean, I’m single, by your standards. But actually I plan to spend the rest of my life with this beautiful woman sitting next to me, but we’re not actually allowed to get married, by your standards, because some people have a problem with it. And so no, I am not married, because you won’t let me. So yes, please charge me more for freaking CAR INSURANCE. (Because, you know, married 22 year olds drive so much more responsibly than non-married 22 year olds.)

The world is so unfair, and as I am beginning to see this, beginning to live it for real… I just feel utterly lucky to have the strongest person I’ve ever met by my side…. And kicking my ass when I need it.

I am ultimately the luckiest girl in the world to have the girl of my dreams fighting the world with me.  I am so lucky to have found a person so amazing, a love so pure and true.

Most people spend their whole lives looking for that person.. Wondering if they’re even out there. And here I am, getting to spend my every night with you. Getting to breathe you in every day, soaking up every minute I get to spend with you. Basking in the wonder of your presence.

And… At the end of the day, I am still coming home to you. At the end of the day, your love is all I really ever need. At the end of the day, I am completely in love with you…
And whether, as I’ve previously told you, I am introduced as your friend still 20 years from now… Or whether I get to be introduced as your wife.

I don’t care. In the scope of the things, when it comes to our love, the only thing that matters to me is that I get to love you. I get to go home every night and get the best snuggles with The One. The perfect one for me.

As you said, times aren’t always going to be peachy, but I am so willing to fight the world, as long as you’re by my side. Because I am so much stronger with you by my side. You bring out the best in me…

I love you. Thank you.

I can’t say it any other way and it still doesn’t do any justice…

And even though you probably won’t read this, I don’t care. This is me letting my blood run on the screen, in black and white. This is me letting my thoughts roam, if just for a moment. This is me, letting you know how I feel. The only way I know how…