On moving on and standing still.

‘It’s not that I’m not excited for your next step, I am‘, I wrote. Even as the words were coming out of me, part of me was hurting. This guy meant a lot to me, and not in a ‘funny’ way. It was completely platonic, and that’s what was so great about him.
He was a great friend. One I’d spent many a night with at the Front Desk. He was my work half.
He knew to make me laugh when I was irritated, and knew when to listen to me when I wanted to gripe. He was truly a great friend, and now he’s gone. I could make him laugh, and I actually can’t remember a time when he didn’t have a smile on his face. He was always curious, and I always made fun of him for it. It was my way of saying, Hey, I think you’re a neat person.

I know part of me is hurting because I’m losing a friend, just another friend that I had a great connection with is gone out of my life. I’ve seen many come and go here. Hell, I’ve been here almost 2 years now and only 4 people are still here. And all of them are managers.

It’s almost made me close off. Don’t make friends with people at work. You’ll just watch them leave as you sit still. Watching them as the continue with their lives past this, leaving you behind. Left in the dust they kick up.
I’ve never been this sad, but I’ve never had such a great partner. Depending on who we were talking to, I was either his assistant or he mine. He’s a great guy, and we’re lucky to have ever had a moment of his time.

But another part of me was hurting because…well, I feel like I’m behind. Like, I’m not doing well enough in life, like I should be doing better.

My friend was a year older than me, and just graduated in December. A semester late. Which, if you do the math, would mean that I ’should’ be scheduled to graduate in May.
And…*Ugh* I totally don’t see me even getting one college credit by that time.

And do you have any idea how almost completely depressing that is?

It fills me with all kinds of thoughts. I feel like I’m watching everyone start their lives, their own personal marathons, and here I am still standing on the side lines. Not moving an inch, not going anywhere. And I hate that feeling.

My passion for our future, my desire to see our dreams come to fruition is so deep, I don’t know if I could withstand seeing them wither away.
And yet, here I am. In the same place I’ve been for the last 2 years. I haven’t even been promoted, still in the exact same position.

Later that day, I got an email from BF’s dad’s wife (Which is not his step-mom. Don’t even think it could even possibly be true) And the words she wrote were so wise, such great advice, and most of all? So needed. It’s like she knew exactly what I was thinking and feeling, and picked the perfect time to tell me that, Hey, It’s okay. Quit worrying, you basket-case.

Good things are in store for you, [Bee]. Just keep getting up every day and doing the things that need to be done. Dreams are good to have, so hang on to them. They don’t all come true, of course. The only ones that will come true are the ones that you make a plan for. My son, [Luke], always says that his dream is to be a millionaire. Well, that’s a great dream. I wish he had a chance in hell of becoming a millionaire; but he has no plans for how to get there. Hmmm. I guess he thinks he’s just going to wake up one day and money will be falling out of his bedroom ceiling. More likely, he’ll wake up one day and be homeless, but I guess he has to figure that out for himself. I’d probably be doing him a huge favor if I let that day come sooner, rather than later. Anyhow, my point is, you have all the tools to be successful. You’re exactly where you are supposed to be in life. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Don’t measure yourself with anyone else. Set your goals, write them down, then start striking them from your list as you complete them. You’ll watch other people get all the breaks in life. Don’t let this interfere with your plan. Just complete your items, slow and steady; and have fun along the way. One day you’ll realize you’re on the other side of the mountain and you’ll reminisce about all the good times you had while you were failing and succeeding and slowly making your way over the top. Make friends, [Bee]. You’ll need them.

I wish I knew exactly how to thank her. Because those words? Weren’t only music to my ears, they were like the salve to soothe my worries, my anxiety about my/our future, and that? That was so very welcomed.

I cried, out of pain for losing a friend, out of hope that her words are more true that I know, and out of relief.

And it was then, after reading these words, and saying goodbye to my friend that I watched come and then move right on past me, that I’m not standing still. I’m simply going at a different pace than everyone else. I’m taking a different path. There might be some people that pass me by, but they’re not me. And I don’t march to the beat of their drummer, I march to mine.
And that is so very, very okay.
I realize now that we have a plan that we’ve actually completed successfully, and what the hell, I will get my turn some day.

I will clear this mountain. Quit being so impatient, Bee.

And that’s my biggest New Year’s resolution. To take everything one step at a time. Concentrate on getting BF through school, concentrate on being a great girlfriend, and most of all concentrate on enjoying every minute of it. Because it won’t last forever. It will pass me by so quickly, I’ll wonder where it all went.

And, luckily, that’s something I’ve always been good at. Concentrating on the NOW and not on the future. Sure, sometimes I want to push fast forward, but that’s not life. I’ve got so much to enjoy right now.

And I can’t believe I’m so lucky.