I can’t even think of a title for this random post.

The other night I had a ‘dream’. I’d pretty much call it a nightmare, but whatever. Point is it was while I was sleeping. ANYWAY!
I had a dream that I cheated on BF. Full on sex, sneaking around behind his back, everything. And *one* of the weird things it that I was torn up about it the whole time. But the WEIRDEST thing? Was who it was with. Barack Obama.

Damn skippy. In my conscious state, I know I’d rather sleep with his wife before I’d sleep with him. But seriously. Barack Obama? What?! But apparently in my sleeping state, Barack is worth ruining everything I had with BF.

This bothered me. So much so that I didn’t even want to tell BF. But I did, and I’m really glad I did because I hate having secrets from him. I told him, and how I was so distraught the whole dream and he pointed out that it was a nightmare then. And I was like, Yeah! It was! I never want to dream that again. B and I have always said that if we wanted to sleep with someone else, then just break up with the other. Just do it. We would never want to sleep with anyone else (Seriously, because he’s the best I’ve ever had. Sorry, TMI?), but the point is we don’t want the other sneaking around. That’s worse than the cheating itself.,

So, today I looked it up.

To dream that you are cheating on your spouse, mate, fiance, or significant other, suggests feelings of self-guilt and self-betrayal. You may have compromised your beliefs or integrity and/or wasting your energy and time on fruitless endeavors. Alternatively, it reflects the intensity of your sexual passion and exploring areas of your sexuality. It is actually a reaffirmation of your commitment. Furthermore, it is not uncommon for people approaching a wedding to have dreams about erotic experiences with partners other than their intended spouses. Most likely, such dreams represent the newness of your sexual passion. It may also signify anxieties of changing your identity – that of a spouse.

I read the first part and was all, REALLY?! Um..That’s weird because that feels a bit of a reach. I don’t feel guilty or like I’ve betrayed myself or compromised or anything. And then I kept reading. B and I had had sex for the first time in a while before bed. So, I was feeling pretty passionate about our sexuality. (What is it today with the TMI?!)
And then the next part “It is actually a reaffirmations of your commitment”. In the dream, I left Barack for B. I couldn’t stand not being with BF, and so I went back. I was unconsciously choosing B above anyone else. I woke up and (besides feeling really bad because I dream cheated) I felt more in love, more committed to B. I promised myself I would never put myself or him through that in real life.
It was just too freaking painful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night B and I had a fight. It was a rather bad one. (Though if you ask him, we’ve never fought. Ever.) Complete with yelling, and storming out, and ignoring of the other person for a good hour. (He likes time to cool off, I hate letting him have it.)
It boiled down to the fact that I can get peeved at stupid, insignificant things. And when I do, and he pretends to ignore it because Hello! It stupid and insignificant. I get even more peeved because he’s ignoring my peeved-ness. And then I get angry. And by the end, I’ve just gotten pissed off over NOTHING and B’s just annoyed because his girlfriend just got pissed at him for no freaking reason.
I tried to explain to him why I get this way, but that just led to more fighting, and then I said something which didn’t come out of my mouth the way I meant it in my head and I actually hurt B. And once I realized this, I broke. No more fighting, I can’t stand hurting him. CANNOT stand it. Because it’s actually pretty difficult to do, and if I did it? That is NOT okay.
I started bawling so hard. I couldn’t hold it in, it was the worst fight in a loong time.

B grabbed me, held me close and let me cry. I apologized only half a trillion times, and asked him if he could forgive me. He said he did, and I’m just pretty much hoping that the damage wasn’t already done. (But did you *hear* how many times I apologized. A LOT.) He seemed just fine, and held me and comforted me and loved me and kissed me. And then it turned into our first make up ’session’ ever. I don’t know how in the hell we’ve gone 3 1/2 years without doing this, but yeah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After our fight, I realized that I have a lot to work on. I’ve come a long way during our relationship, but that’s not to say that I don’t have a long way to go. I want my boyfriend to be happy, and I’m going to work my ass off to make it so. I love him.
There was one point during our fight when he mentioned that it makes him really unhappy whenever I get mad over nothing. And it happens every day every 6th week. (When I’m PMS’ing) And I said, “What does that mean?!” Here I am, being a girl, freaking out about the fact that my boyfriend is unhappy when this happens, and this probably means he wants to break up with me.
“I guess I’ll just have to be unhappy every 6 weeks for the rest of my life.”

Two things occured to me at this moment.
1.) Wow, he’s willing to be unhappy just to be with me. And 2.) I don’t WANT him to be unhappy EVER. Especially not because of me.
The truth is, I just get annoyed. And I take it out on him. I have GOT to curb this habit. I have GOT to make an effort to acknowledge whenever I’m annoyed enough to get angry and make a conscious effort to just let it go. It’s not worth getting angry and it’s definitely not worth making the love of my life unhappy.

He did say that the rest of the time we’re just hunky dory and he’s happy and we’re perfect, but whenever that 6-8th week rolls around, he’s pretty much unhappy.

It was an eye opener, for sure. And a big clue to… you know… QUIT DOING THAT. He’s the greatest thing to ever happen to me, and the last 3 1/2 years? Greatest years of my life, and they just keep getting better. Though I realize 95% of the time, I am a GREAT girlfriend, and there is no way in hell I’m going to get to 100% perfect, but I just want to get to you know…99.9%. And if I can help that by just changing this stupid thing about me, then I’m going to freaking do it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, this is something that has been really bothering me. I kind of mentioned it a couple of posts back, but I wanted to get you guys’ take on it.
Okay, so this guy that’s the assistant manager at a local hotel. A lot of hotels “call around” which means they call local hotels and ask them what they’re selling their rooms for and how full they are.
I have this spiel I have to say whenever I pick up the phone. And I have trouble enunciating my name and the few words before my name. Well, this guy USED to call up and say my name just fine. Until about 6-8 weeks ago, and he started making fun of my lack of enunciation. He adds a little “zzssch” to the first part of my name. And when this started, it didn’t bother me that much.

And first I just blew it off, like whatever dude. Then he kept doing it, and it started annoying me. I would give a pause and then angrily tell him and then hang up on him.

Then he kept doing it.
And then I brought it up to him jokingly. I added a zzssch to his name. And he jokingly brushed it off and I thought that just bringing it up to him, making him acknowledge it would make him stop.
Then he kept doing it.

And I told my co-workers and my manager how much it annoyed me. One of my co-workers suggested to say “That information is classified” and hang up on him.
Well, I did. And then he called my co-worker that suggested it right back and said, “Why did she do that?! What the hell. That’s unprofessional.” That last bit pissed me off.
Well, my co-worker, we’ll call him Howard, kind of sold me out saying, “Yeah, that’s not cool. I don’t now why she would do that. I don’t know..whatever.”

I don’t know what kind of establishment he’s running, but our managers DO NOT act like THAT! If he wants to have a god damn debate with me and chastise me for being unprofessional, then he’s got another thing comin’. He has absolutely NO ROOM to talk.
So, by this point my dislike for this guy is steadily growing.

Then, I don’t hear from him all weekend, and I have Sunday and Monday off and I come back on Tuesday and I get to talk to him again. I think he probably thought I was going to get in trouble from Howard’s response to him on Friday. And when he called me and called me that stupid name again, and I still wouldn’t tell him what he wanted to know, this threw him off. He hung up on me, and then called RIGHT BACK. He started asking for people that didn’t work here, basically demanded that I transfer him to someone who would tell him. I told him I was the only one there, and then he said, “Well obviously we’re not getting anywhere here. Talk to you later.” I bid him a good night and said goodbye, but by that time he’d already hung up.

By this point, it has nothing to do with the specifics of the situation. It has everything to do with the principle of the matter. He’s going to freaking show me respect, or he’s not going to get what he wants out of me. Plain and simple, that’s the way the freaking world works, and he’s about to get a lesson.

The next day he didn’t call me that name but instead said,

Him: “I’m looking for some classified information.”

I joked around with him a bit,
Me: “If it’s classified, wouldn’t it mean that you can’t obtain it? Isn’t that the definition”

Him: “Well are you going to unclassified it?” Douche, the term is declassify it.

Me: “Umm..I’ll think about it”

Him: “Okay. [1/2 a second's pause] Have you thought about it yet?”

Me: “Well, I have to send it through the appropriate channels. It may take days”

Him: “Okay, well can you transfer me to your General Manager?”

Me: “Yep, he’s not in right now but I can transfer you to his voicemail.”

So, I do. He apparently thinks that this stupid personal spat we have is going to get me in trouble, and so threatening me with ‘Telling on me’ to my manager means DEEP TROUBLE. I’m not a little bit worried. My manager is cool as hell, and is either going to laugh it off and delete the message, or MAY approach the subject with me. But I’m definitely not going to get in trouble.
My voice was shaking during the conversation, but that was because every time I talk to him, I get a rush of adrenaline. I was shaking once I hung up with him. I HATE that, by the way.

So, I talk to him a couple of nights ago, and he calls me that stupid name again. And I said, “I’m sorry, I can’t give that to you.” (I should have hung up right then, but I didn’t)

Him: Look, I’m sure you’re a good person, but why won’t you give me that information?

Me: I don’t have a problem in the world with giving you that information. What I have a problem with is you calling me that name.

Him: What name? [Says my name with the zzssch added to the beginning]? Isn’t that your name?
(We’ve had this discussion before)
Me: No, my name is [Queen Bee].”

Him: That’s what I said.

Me: No, you called me [That stupid name] just a minute ago!

Him: Yeah, that’s your name.

Me: (Huge sigh. Because this guy is obviously too wrapped up in his douchery that he’s not going to stop calling me this name. He’s not going to give me the respect that I’ve given him, and is therefore not alloted any more chances.)

He hung up on me before I could say anything. Good. I call B because I’m pretty upset.
I hate the fact that this douche won’t stop calling me this name, but I hate it even more that I’m letting it bother me. I can’t help it. I’ve become so self-conscious about this lack of enunciation that I hear it every time I answer the phone. I try and not obsess about it, but I’ve even tried just going by the shortened version of my name instead of my whole name, so I wouldn’t make this mistake. I’ve tried everything.

The fact of the matter is that no one else in the world gets it confused. I get so many calls a day, and everyone else gets it right. He used to get it right, before this douche stage hit, and now, no matter what I try, I can’t get him to stop.
So? I’m pretty much done. I sent an email to my department manager that night explaining the situation (She’s been pretty much in the dark about it) I told her how stupid it sounded and how I’ve tried to ignore it, but I’m done. I cannot allow him the opportunity to make me upset any longer. She told me that would be fine to just tell him “I’m sorry, I cannot give you that information” and just hang up.

I tried to be professional, I tried to be courteous. I tried to be nice, and give him the benefit of the doubt. But apparently being a douche-ous asshat is more important that being respectful to a fellow human being.

So, what do you think? Am I over-reacting? Or do you think I’m doing the right thing? Anyone with experience in dealing with asshats wanna spare some advice? I could sure use it…

I feel so stupid for letting it get to me, since that’s exactly what he wants. But I can’t let him talk to me any more.

And so we don’t end on a bad note, here’s a video of the most adorable kitteh fighting with a puppeh of enormous size. I don’t care if you’ve seen it before, watch it. It’ll make you feel better! (I know it did me!)

Hope you all are having/had a great weekend. MUAH! (Supposed to be like kisses. Umm..just go with it. )