Laying it on the line

Years ago, I was taken by what I thought was the most beautiful boy to ever give me a second glance. He was hot. He was funny. He was mysterious. And challenging. And addictive.

Yeah, that’s the one. He was my drug.

He tried to quit me, about a month into our ‘relationship’. Which really was just sex and drinking. And me doing really stupid things. I talked him out of it.
I don’t know how I did it. We were on the phone for at least an hour, and I don’t even remember it. I just remember negotiating, and debating him on why he should stay with me. Challenging his every point, and offering a solution.
I wanted him. I was addicted, and I was not ready to quit my drug.

A month after that, I went to see my family for a week or 10 days or something. I just remember listening to Incubus the whole time  (because he’d introduced me to them.)
Things were …rough when I’d left. I didn’t want to go. Somewhere inside of me, I knew that when I came back, things wouldn’t be okay.
I talked to my dad while I was there, talked to him about my fears. He said some of the wisest words to me, “Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.” Not his words, granted, but wise ones none-the-less.

I flirted while I was gone. Realized that maybe he was right.
He definitely was. I came back, and while looking through his cellphone, after I’d begged my dad to let me spend the night, I saw a text saying “I had so much fun at the movies, and holding your hand.”
I remember wanting so bad to call her, tell her everything.
I had flashbacks to when he took my face in his hands and confessed he was falling for me. To our (seemingly) incredibly passionate kisses. To every minute that we weren’t together, and suspecting what he was doing during that time. We lived 45 minutes away, and didn’t go the same schools. Towards the end, we hardly saw each other, except when I was the one making the drive over, making all the effort.

Looking back, I know it was the most destructive romantic relationship I’ve ever been in. Looking back, I can see all the signs, see everything I should’ve seen then. Looking back, I want to kick myself for being so stupid, so naive.

I remember, exactly a week before he broke up with me, And yes, he did the breaking. I didn’t break up with him when I asked him about cheating on me, when I found out that he’d taken some girl on a date he didn’t even want to take me on.

Anyway, a week before he broke my heart, I was watching TV and a video (ghetto youtube version) of Dolly Parton came on.

“You think that you’re above me, like I’m not good enough
You make me feel unwanted, unwelcome and unloved
You’re selfish, vain and greedy; you’re hateful, rude and rough
And you’re so wrong

You can say what you chose, but I tell you the truth
You can say for sure I’m gone, ’cause I’m gone”

I  knew the truth of those words, or rather, how the I should take Ms. Parton’s lead, and leave the bastard.
Instead, I stuck around. Put myself through more pain that I even care to remember. All because I wasn’t strong enough to ween myself off of my drug. Instead, I was forced to quit cold turkey. And I still have the battle scars to prove it.

Ever since then, I’ve seen the hearing of a break-up song as an omen. That something bad is on the horizon if you don’t get your ass up and get with it before it gets you.

SO, Now that you’re up to speed, let’s venture into the product of my latest visit from The Crazy.

I hear Foolish Games on the radio on the way home. I love that song. It’s beautiful, hauntingly, heartbreakingly so. The harmonies, the music, and it got stuck in my head.
So, for some reason, after B goes up to the school to study, I feel compelled to download one of her albums. And I do.

Do you have ANY IDEA of how many of her songs are so incredibly depressing!? A LOT. I might even venture to say that all, of the good ones at least, are.

So, I get this fear in the back of my head. You know the type.
The Crazy whispers in your ear, this means you should leave him. This means that you’re sick of his games. This means you need to break up with him. remember last time!?
And you don’t want to listen to it. You logically follow all of The Crazy’s statements with a sane one.
There ARE no games. He doesn’t play games, so how could I be sick of them!? I love him, and we’re perfect together.

And so goes The Curse of The Crazy. It’s such a vicious cycle, I get sick of traveling it. Every. Single. Time.

I know there’s nothing possibly wrong with our relationship. We’re so good right now. We usually are. SO WHAT IN THE WORLD is my problem?!

I don’t know. I get scared.

You know that movie,  Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood? Well there’s a line in there..

Fiance Dude (Can’t remember his name, bear with me): It’s like she’s always expecting the bottom to drop out.
Mom: You know why that is, don’t you? Because it always did.

I guess I’m always expecting something to go wrong. For the best years of my life to just fall apart before my very eyes. I guess I’m always afraid, insecure, preparing for the worst.
Okay, not always. Just whenever The Crazy is in town.

Whenever he’s around, I’m cool. I’m confident in our relationship, I’m good, and not worried at all. And even when he’s not around, and The Crazy doesn’t visit me, I’m okay.

But then I get that voice in the back of my head FOR NO REASON.

My best friend was engaged to a guy for 2 1/2 years. Turned out in the end that everything he ever said, everything he ever did was a huge lie. He was probably cheating on her for the entire relationship. And he had us all fooled.
It can happen. I saw it, right in front of me.
And I saw the carnage he left behind. I saw the floods of tears, and wiped them all away. I helped bandage her war torn heart up.

And I’m so deathly afraid that that will happen to me, that even hearing a song with the notion of a broken heart gets my worried wheels spinning.

Maybe it’s because I’m tired. Maybe it’s because the entire weekend, he’s been this wreck because he’s been postponing homework, and it’s had absolutely nothing to do with me. Maybe it’s because a part of me is clinically insane. I don’t know.

I do know that I love him with everything that I am. I do know that it can’t be completely bad that if the thought of not being with him sends cold chills down my spine. I do know that he is the greatest person I’ve ever met. I do know that I see a future with him. A great one. And I do know that hearing a song on a radio isn’t a crazy, terrible omen, and that it’s just a song. On the radio. (Get. OVER. It.) I do know that I need to relax, settle down, because everything will be okay.
And I do know that things will be back to normal again.

Can anyone else relate to The Crazy?

And seriously, does ANYONE know of a song by Jewel that’s good, and doesn’t make you want to cry and eat ice cream (or sit in the fetal position, for that matter) all day?

Have a good day, you crazy people.