Too random even for me..

First, I need to apologize. I’ve tried 3 times to make a post that isn’t all A.) Negative and B.) Random. But here’s the deal, I have ADHD, and that’s just pretty much not happening today (It gets really bad somedays). So, if you get to the end of the post, and it’s so random you feel you need to be tested for AD/HD, then just let me know. I know some people.

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Here’s a quick letter to all Males in the World,

I realize this is a tough concept for you to understand, so I’ll try to say this as simply as possible: Not EVERYTHING that I do means I’m pregnant. If I want some goddamn birthday cake or some goddamn cupcakes? It’s not because I’m fucking pregnant. If I was sick the other morning (3 months ago, because I was hungover as hell but I didn’t want to tell you that) it DOESN’T MEAN I’M PREGNANT. Not EVERYTHING means I’m pregnant.

You know..there are other symptoms that pregnant ladies have, and have you BOTHERED to ask about those? NO! You haven’t. And pretty much? Being pregnant might be close to the worst thing that could happen right now, so exercise a little bit more sensitivity when you ask about it, KAY!?
I mean, when you say you don’t feel good, how would you feel if I was all…Oh! That must mean you need to be castrated! There is NO OTHER ANSWER.

And no female does this.. Every female knows that 1.) A missed period is the surest sign of pregnancy, and 2.) WE DON’T FUCKING ASK LIKE WE’RE ASKING, “HEY. IS IT TUESDAY?” We’re not that stupid. Just because I’m craving cake, or just because I was sick (You don’t even know what kind of sick, I could have been bleeding from my eyeballs for all you know.) Doesn’t mean that I’m pregnant.
I realize that you will never know what it’s like to be sexually active, and not want a child, but in the future? Why don’t you just err on the side of caution, and just DON’T FUCKING ASK.

kthxbai,

Your son’s/friend’s/brother’s girlfriend.

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That being said, I really want some goddamn cupcakes. Like, so much I think I’m going to chew my own hand off.

We’ve been eating a lot of salty foods lately, and rarely have anything sweet in the house. And I don’t mean like Chocolate sweet, I mean like you might as well hand me a bag of sugar so I can pour it straight in my mouth and cut to the chase.

Does anyone have a recipe for the best cupcakes ever? I’m not looking for cupcakes I can make out of a box, I’m looking for cupcakes that after you eat them, you have dream about them naked and having sex with you. (Too much? Sorry.) THAT kind of good.

Anyway, point is, I need the best of the best.

I’ve found this recipe, and it pretty much sounds good. I wouldn’t be against anything fruity-ish. The only requirement? That after you ate it, you were all “That’s the best fucking cupcake in the world.”
So, pretty much if it inspired explicatives without you meaning for it to, then it’s good for me.

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This past week, I was feeling quite scatter-brained. Like my life was a huge mess. Like I couldn’t seem to keep my head above water.

And then I realized that a huge part of the problem was the staggering catastrophe that is my house. So? This weekend’s mission was CLEAN YOUR DAMN HOUSE WOMAN. I got about halfway, and then friend crisis struck, and I had to halt it for the day, but it begins again first thing in the morning.
And I’m finally getting around to my January Resolution of getting organized, so I’m guessing the rest of the resolutions are bumped back another month. This is a good sign though, because maybe this means I’ll be done will all 5-6 of them by the end of the year!
So, I’m getting organized, I’m cleaning. I’ve got my work cut out for me.

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So, remember this post? Well, I thought I did a good job, I tried at least.
And Libbs suggested that I submit it to Indie Bloggers.
When I first read that, I was all, “Do WHAT!”

Indie Bloggers has always intimidated me. It’s for all..you know, people who actually write WELL. And if I’m about anything, it’s about not giving myself (or my ..work? Can you call blogging that?) enough credit. And I mean, the friggin’ site says, “Write well. Write now.” I’m sorry..that’s just too much pressure. I CAN’T HANDLE IT.

So, I just read the work on there for a while. Cheered when someone I knew was on there.

And then? THIS came along. And though I’m not sure what being ‘Indie’ is all about? I think that post might fit along with it…I think.

So I did. I submitted, for the first time EVER. And pushing the mouse to click ‘Send’ could have been compared to pulling the trigger of a gun. I didn’t want to do it. I was breathing heavily, I was freaking out.

So, I had to do it without thinking of anything, and ever since then I’ve been kind of freaking out. What if she reads it and is all.. ‘Wow. This is just BAD.’ (I know she doesn’t do that, but what if I’m so bad that it makes her START!)

Which is ironic because the post was actually about gaining confidence. Grrreat. It’s nice to see how far that one got me.

I don’t really care if she ‘picks me’ or whatever. I’m just hoping she doesn’t send it to some Blogging Judging Committee whose ruling after reading my post is that the post was SO BAD that I am hereby banned from blogging. Or writing. FOREVER. (Hmm..Over-reacting much are we?)

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In summation, I’m not pregnant *knocks on wood*. Though I still want some goddamn cupcakes. And I love making up end of the world scenarios to simplistic situations (You just wait, in a couple of days? The overwhelming terribleness of my writing will soon mean the destruction of mankind.)

Have a good Monday, y’all. Or at least try to.