On the way home, after dropping Bf off at the school, I heard this song.
I’ll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know that what’s at stake
I know that I’ve let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I’ll keep us together whatever it takes
I would like to correct myself now. If I have ever, at any point said, “It isn’t always easy”, I would like to correct that to, “It’s never easy.” Relationships don’t just take work. Car maintenance takes work. Keeping your house clean, that takes work. Relationships are a conglomeration of work, dedication and commitment, and the inability to ever give up.
I think if I was capable of giving up, I would have done it recently. I don’t want to air his dirty laundry here, it’s not my place to share his life to the world. Suffice it to say that things have been on edge between us for the last week or two. When your outside life gets difficult, you often take it out on the person you love, or you hold it in and just let it eat away at your inner self, which often leads to closing everyone else out. Both of us are guilty of this, in one way or the other.
It’s taken me this entire time, and several (dozen) aborted posts, to be able to think this through. To be able to be honest with myself. I think that I thought that being honest with myself went hand in hand with admitting defeat. Like speaking the words aloud meant that it was not only real, but it was too much for me to handle, and that meant I was giving up.
I don’t know what I was thinking. I think, with the help of PMS, I’ve taken a bad situation, and just beat it to a pulp so badly that it isn’t just a bad situation, it is the end of the world as I know it.
Sometimes, even though you may love the person, you know you cannot help them. Or maybe you just don’t know how. And there’s no book to turn to, no amount of googling that can show you the right way to proceed.
Every person is different, and even though we may celebrate our differences on most days, sometimes they keep us from truly being able to understand each other enough to be able to help them in the way they need to be helped.
I thought that somehow admitting all that, admitting how difficult it is, and how it seems impossible most of the time, that it meant it truly was impossible. That there was no way to work things out, and that I should just walk away now.
But I couldn’t admit that to myself, I just couldn’t. Mainly because how terrified I was, to the core, to just think it, much less speak it.
The fact of the matter is that I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to give in, or walk away. I want to stick this out, stand beside him, even if it doesn’t do any good. I want to just support him in everything that he does or ever wants to do.
I think it should have been a clue to me that these thoughts don’t mean the end of the world, or even in the ballpark of what I thought they meant, when I couldn’t even think them without scaring myself shitless.
When I heard this song, even though it wasn’t the first time I’d heard it, for some reason it really hit home. It spoke to the fearful part of me, the part of me that’s always waiting for the bottom to drop out and say afterwards, “I told ya so.” The shithole, pessimist part of me.
Because even though it’s never easy, even though every day seems like a fight, a struggle, a battle to even finish it, there’s no one else in the world I’d want to fight beside. It’s not easy, but you find your strength in the embraces that seem to last forever, or the glances that say it all. It moments like those that hold you through. That reinforce your love, your commitment, in order for you two to see it through the next uphill battle.
I know we’re not married, and it almost seems that this type of dedication should belong to those who’ve given vows in front of an audience. Who wear rings, and have special names attached for each other. Like the commitment, and the marriage come in a package deal.
But it’s not.
We’re just two people, who love each other so deeply, and refuse to give up.
We’re going to make this work..
Whatever it takes.
I had a feeling this was what was going on. I’ll be on later tonight if you want to talk. But yes, absolutely. I think marriage is just another step. Just a physical sign that you’re committed to one another. I think we wear each others’ hearts on the sleeves of the other, knowing how delicately we must protect it, for both sides must take turn in being the nourisher and the destroyer.
Just how it is, at least from what I’ve learned from my own recent experience. It’s always a balance.
Ultimately I think it is love that mortars a relationship. That and body heat.
This is where I think the mass media may have corrupted us a little– it makes us think that finding love is the hard part, when really it is keeping love.
I know what you mean about not wanting to admit the hard parts out loud. But, trust me, we all have had them, and speaking them doesn’t mean you need to abide by them.
Same as DS– you know my email, if you need an ear. Hope you are well, darling, and stay strong!
“I think that I thought that being honest with myself went hand in hand with admitting defeat. “- I get that line, oh do I ever get that line.
I’m sorry you’ve hit a rough patch ( I hate that saying by the way ‘rough patch’, but I can’t think of anything better so it’s staying for now). Keep going my friend, things are going to get better.
You are such a strong person. You are right, relationships are always hard. Getting in a relationship easy, staying near impossible. Recognizing that you love him and that having doubts is not the end of the world shows that you want this to keep working. If you ever feeling like talking my email is on my blog.
I’ve always believed that being in love and staying in love–is after the honeymoon and butterfly phase–a choice. And if you make that choice? You will undoubtedly work hard at making it work.
It won’t be easy, the things that are really worth it, never are. Stay strong, friend. But if you need an extra dose of strength, you know where to find me.
Big hugs.
Relationships ARE tough. If they sail along too smoothly? That’s kind of an indication that something’s wrong. It’s not ever going to be easy, but if you love him and he loves you and you both want it to work? It will. Trust me.
It might be weird for me to say this given that I’m getting married this year, but I don’t think marriage is a gauge of when a relationship deserves this level of commitment. Or to put it another way–if you’re married, your relationship DOES deserve this level of commitment, but if you aren’t married, that doesn’t automatically mean that your relationship DOESN’T deserve it. Does that make sense?
Basically I think you are great and I’m glad you are trying so hard here and are so determined to make it work. I hope things get easier soon.
i don’t think marriage and commitment are mutually exclusive things. (i hope i used that correctly). in other words, you can be committed but not necessarily be married. which is where you are. and that’s really something worth giving you two kudos for. its the foundation for what sounds like will be a lasting relationship.
Good for you! Be strong
i think there’s to be a balance of work and pleasure. If it’s all hard work, all the time, then why be in it? Samantha from SITC has a good point when she says the test of a true relationship is whether you spend more time like this (smile) or like this (frown). I’ve certainly been through some hard times myself with my man, but I think we’ve gotten to a place where we both feel that whatever fights we have (and we will) and hard things we’ll go through (and we will), that we both want it to work out and no matter how mad we get (and we will), underneath it is love. Sometimes the best thing to do is take a timeout and spend some time apart. Best of luck.
Lifehouse – that’s the band that brought Jason and I together, in 2000.
They’ll always be special for me.
Don’t give up – keep on swimming. I’ll be right there with ya!
Yes, they take work. A lot of work. But it shouldn’t be THAT hard (not saying it is for ya’ll). When you stop realizing that there is work involved, that’s when things go south, so, good for you and him to know that you have to keep trucking.
Hang in there
There are always rough spots.. but I guess the test is how you get through them. If you’re already this committed, imagine how much more committed you’ll be when you get married. I do think that marriage brings (or should bring) another level of commitment, but sadly so many marriages just don’t work out. I think you have to be committed to the person AND to the institution to make it through.
Best of luck with B – sometimes being too stubborn to give up is a good thing.