My emotions are a ticking time bomb, threatening at any moment to explode with forced back tears.
I wiped the tear from my cheek, and took a deep breath. Don’t cry, Bee. You just need a second to catch your breath. Just don’t cry.
I turned to grab my drink to see a water droplet the size of a tear rolling down the side of the cup. As if the universe was telling me, It’s okay. Cry. Go for it. Look, your tea can do it.
No. I can’t, I reply. I have things to do. I can’t let people see me like this. Brushing those thoughts away, moving my mind to lighter things.
Immediately afterwards, I hear the thunder crack, and I look out the rain started pouring, seemingly out of nowhere, taking the sunshine away. The universe nudging me once again, Cry. Look, Mother Nature can do it. You need to.
No, already! I can’t let myself lose control again!
I wait a second, take a bite of my food, hoping that that’s the answer to my stress issues.
I hear a commotion at the front desk, someone else demanding my attention. I welcome the distraction, but hope that my tears don’t pick this moment to show themselves, hoping that I have enough self-control for 5 more minutes.
There’s a wedding party here, along with 3 track teams. Compared to the teams, the wedding party is peaceful and self-sufficient. Though their unsuppressed joy, from everyone but the bride, annoys me. Like a constant reminder of my own emotions that lie just beneath the surface, the emotions that are anything but joyous or even pleasant.
It’s the mother of the groom checking in, glowing and proud. Her husband walks up about halfway through, quietly demanding the room number so he can unload already. She sweetly scolds him, Just a second. She’s doing the best she can.
And for a second, all I hear are those words. Over and over again in my head.
Hold it in, just one more minute.
With one sentence, one woman who hardly knows me said it all. My tears rise to the surface, and I can feel their warmth, but I don’t let them fall.
Not here, not with all these happy people around.
The balancing act, this house of cards I call my life threatens to fall down around me. My two jobs are loaded in my arms, the potential job balancing precariously on my knee, my boyfriend and personal life is balancing on the end of that foot, and the only thing holding me up is one leg that’s wobbling and is in danger of crumbling under the pressure.
After getting 2.5 hours of sleep the night before last, bombing an interview (And thereby making a first rate fool of myself in front of an entire COMITTEE), and getting yelled at by a drunk guy yesterday, I found myself dreading this day when I woke up.
But I told myself, No! I will not be that weak-minded. Today is not yesterday, it won’t be the same. Today is a brand new day, and it will be better than the last.
Goddamn. If only positive thinking could change the fact that assholes still exist, and apparently exist solely to yell at me. I think they have a 6th sense about these things, knowing who is down, and when to kick them.
While positive thinking can’t change the facts of the universe, it did make the day easier. That is, until I hit a wall of emotion coupled with exhaustion around 6:30pm, and have been dragging myself through this day, hoping that the end comes sooner than I expect it (Unlikely).
I have 2 hours left, and I can’t think of anything else to say.
So, what did we learn today? That 1.) I am crazy when I am stressed and sleepy. 2.) That the universe likes to be an asshole to me, and 3.) Positive thinking will come back to bite you in the ass.
And to those of you in my immediate vicinity, those of you who I may or may not have seemed like a complete bitch to. To those of you who’ve I’ve inadvertently ignored (I promise, I didn’t mean to.) Those who have put up with my stupid questions, obvious statements, and more often than not lately, my silence. Those who’ve given a supportive word, to my boss who patiently waited on the phone while I tried to control my crying. To those who’ve listened and those who’ve put a smile on my face with their unbelievable consideration and humor. To my generous (other) boss and friend who never ceases to amaze me with what a great person he is, and always trying to include me in things. To the people who make me happy, just by thinking about them.
And most importantly, to those who have lasted through this (I’m sure) typo-ridden, grammatically atrocious, whiny post.
You people are troopers..
I know I might not say it, but you people mean so much to me. And should it surprise you to learn it, I’m sorry. You are the bee’s knees.
Hey so guess what. You can be silent and brainless as much as you want, cause I’m sticking around dear.
Also, the overwhelmed-ness? Been there. It’s rough. But fortunately, it’s only another week and then you are a one-job woman!
Hi darling.
Though I know this was written at a rough moment, it was beautiful, especially the beginning with the tea and rain.
You know why you are a magnet for assholes? Because you are so kindhearted. Assholes don’t seek out other assholes.
But, seriously, be easy on yourself. I break down after one of those long days– you are a superstar (and the real trooper here!) to hold yourself through so many of them. It will be over soon.
Much extra super love to you!
Dude-this is so beautiful. It’s so interesting when we notice the world around us being able to do what we want so desperately to do but can’t. I hope you’re feeling better
we’re all here for you! 2 jobs must be tough to juggle, i can’t even imagine. hang in there!!
You can do it!! Happy friday – that thought can cheer anyone up!
Oh dear. We all get like this; overwhemled and overworked and overstressed. Hang in there. Step back and take a moment for yourself. We’ll still be here.
Don’t worry too much about what we think. This here place is for you. Dump your stress on us. Hope you feel better soon, just keep breathing.
That’s what we freaders are here for!
Vent away.
don’t worry about how everyone perceives your emotions. i am a people pleaser too and it can be incredibly heavy to have to deal with how you feel and how you THINK other people feel about how you feel. make sense? just focus on you and listen to your body and your heart when it tells you what you need.
don’t apologize to us – we come here because we want to, not cause we are forced.
Vent all you’d like.
This was incredibly well-written. I’m just in awe that you managed to write this while feeling that overwhelmed. I would just want to curl up into a ball and wish all the madness and assholes away.
You’re the trooper!
P.S I loved your last line. ‘The bees knees’ Hehe.
Sending you huge hugs, i hope your week, and now weekend, have gotten so much better. I, like Hope, am also in awe of your ability to stay so composed, even if its just in writing, when everything seems to be toppling around you. Heart you!