Worth the sacrifice

My dad used to have a saying that he learned in AA. (He was not an Alcoholic, but he found that group suited him better, helped him cope with my mother’s alcoholism much better than Al-Anon ever did. ) He always used to tell me, “When you are H.A.L.T. , you need to halt.” Meaning, when you are – Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired – especially when you are more than one of them, You need to take a step back, take it slow, don’t over-stress, or overwork your mind or body. That remains one of the wisest, most true things he’s ever taught me, and I still keep it in my mind when I find myself stressing out.

Lately, I suppose I’ve learned another valuable lesson: I am not invincible. Especially when I’m tired. And hungry.

Yesterday, after last week of working my ass off, and doing the same yesterday, I could feel the stress. I was wearing it on my face, it was making me sick to my stomach. It was palpable.

It all boils down to the fact that I probably made a mountain out of a molehill, and then let it worry me sick, literally.

I was talking to my friend and co-worker/boss, Moose, about it. He could tell that I was stressing. He could tell I wasn’t happy. The more he and I talked, the more I could feel the tears pressing and pushing, forcing themselves to make a grand appearance, one I was not too keen on Moose witnessing.

So, I ran. I went home, and the second I shut the door behind me, I felt like I’d shut out all of the problems of the day. As soon as I felt the warmth of his presence and his love soak all the way down into my soul, they rushed out of me. He didn’t even have to see me crying to know something wasn’t right.

As hard as I may try to keep it out, the exhaustion seems to be the only thing I’m not immune to. Two and a half hours of sleep on Sunday night makes for a stressful Monday, to say the least.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This new job has led to new experiences in my social scene as well. Moose being my friend, yet also my co-worker, we spend a lot of time around each other. Whether it be talking on the internet, calls, day-to-day work stuff.

After I went out the Friday before last with him and my friend, Montana, B wasn’t there because he wasn’t feeling well, and the entire time, I felt as if I’d cheated.
B had started off not liking the idea of me going out with him, because it was just going to be me and Moose at first. I didn’t like that idea either, but what was I supposed to do when I’d already promised?!
Well, that feeling never really left the the evening, and I spent most of it wishing he was there.

I hate the feeling that I’ve cheated. I felt it when I met her. I felt it that Friday, and I’m having the inkling that I’m going to feel it again.

My friend Moose knows that I’m bi, and wants me to meet a few girls that are coming up from Texas.

Great idea, if you know … I were single. But I’ve got a man that I adore, and who adores me, and I really don’t like the feeling of being with someone without him, ya know?

As much as a part of me miss being with a girl, another part of me hates the feeling left behind when it happens.
Last time it left a bad taste in my mouth, though the candy was sweet. And while the taste this time around my immediately satiate me, just the thought of the “last time” brings back the memory of that terrible after-taste.

Maybe it’s me, again, making a mountain out of a mole hill. I know I’m very prone to doing that, so it’s not beyond my realm of comprehension that these feelings are more a product of my highly-religious raising than a product of reality.

But still…

Then, I heard a song on the radio. Part of the chorus was, “There’s no one else.” Until I’d heard that lyric, I’d been too busy to listen to the song because I was mulling over everything that was happening. Did I want it? If I do, does it mean I’m a bad person? If I don’t, how do I tell my friend? But the second I heard that line, everything else was silent. And I knew. I knew like I knew last time, He is my One and Only. There is no one else.

And in that second, I felt relief. Like I was again making the right choice. Because I want to forever be able to come home from a stressful day, and have his shoulder to cry into. I will forever want him over 100 one night stands, no matter how badly a part of my brain might want it.

Some can, and have tried to, tell me that I can’t deny that part of me, I have to ‘explore’ those feelings. But the fact remains that that’s just not the kind of girl I am. Just as they can try and convince me to go out and dance on the dance floor, something I’m extremely adverse to doing, but I should! Because it will help me in this area! But that’s not who I am.

I’m affectionate, and adoring. I’m a faithful hopeless romantic. I’m an emotional creature, sometimes to a fault. And above all, I’m extremely, fiercely loyal. And I can’t deny that, even if it is for the sake of half of my sexuality.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight found me lecturing Moose about his desire to be with his ex-girlfriend. He’s one of the most generous people I’ve ever met, but he’s also one of the most determined. I spent most of the night trying to talk some sense into him, but his mind was made up.

Frankly, I felt (*Ahem feel Ahem*) that she doesn’t deserve him. She spent all of her time telling him how he’s inadequate, and none of it appreciating his sweet and thoughtful qualities. After a few hours of going around and around in circles with him, I finally decided I was going to shut up. I mean, who was I to talk? Here I am, deciding to ignore a part of me that will probably always be there, all for love. And I’m lecturing him.

He told me that it’s worth the sacrifice. And, again, I knew. He was right. Though I might disagree with his particular choice, sometimes love is worth the sacrifice. Both for him, and for me.

Sometimes love, and life, is about knowing when to sacrifice, and when to draw the line.