I wanna love you with all my heart, show me where to start…

I’ve got a lot of crap going on right now. In my head. In my life. I can’t help it, I must resort to bullets (again, I know. I can hear your sighs from here).

• My favorite part of ‘that time of the month’ is the insecurity that I’m overcome with. Constant. All-encompassing. Overwhelming. Insecurity.Actually, if you couldn’t tell, I was being sarcastic.I hate it. I think thoughts that make me stop and tell myself that I’m crazy.

  Notes to self:
  - He loves you. Quit freaking out about it.
  - He’s not lying to you. (Probably. Most likely. …Right?)
  - You’re not ugly. (Even though you have acne, or bites, or something, in really dumb places and they make you feel really really ugly.)
  - You’re good at what you do.
  - You’re strong, and you can make it through anything. If you need more proof, see: The past 4 weeks.
  - You’re also smart. Forgetting silly things is normal. NORMAL.
  - Did I remind myself to quit freaking out yet?

  I hate being a girl sometimes. If I never wanted a baby, I would rip my freaking ovaries out myself.

• Work is insane. Home is insane (in a good way). I am doing my best to keep up, and I think I made some huge progress today. I just need … I don’t know. I need some Bee-Time. Some time to just sit and be and not have to be sexy, or smart, or cute, or worry about what I look like, or if anyone is staring at my boobies, or if I’m any of those things enough or too much, and OMIGOD. It’s enough to drive a girl CRAZY.Which is why I don’t feel so guilty that I should really be cleaning right now, but I’m updating my blog. Like a very, very bad girl. Oh well. I think the world will be okay if I sit down for a little while and do what the hell I want to.
• I miss y’all. Desperately. I need about 24 concentrated hours to read everything that I want, and I don’t have that kind of time anymore. I’m what they, at least what I think they, call a ‘Responsible Adult’. Whatever that means. It feels good, it’s just been a real adjustment.
  I’ve had so many moments when I wished I could just write what was on my mind, but I didn’t have any paper, or a computer, so it just got discarded eventually. As much as I try and remember it, I always forget.Today, I guess it all just started to overflow today, plenty thanks due to The Lovely PMS.
• (I debated whether or not to post this part, because there are a lot of people reading my blog that I never wanted to read it. But, it’s my freaking blog. My freaking outlet, and I will say what I want. If they get mad at me for writing it, maybe they’ll learn to stop reading.)
  Did I mention things at home are great? Insanely great, I think is what I said. Yes. They are.I’m in love. I’ve never been in such a perfect relationship. He matches and meets me on every freaking level. We’re still kind of … studying each other, learning about each other, but it’s absolutely amazing.His kisses make the world disappear. His glances, the way he looks in my eyes, when he reaches for my hand. It makes me happy on a level I never knew before. And I know how weird that sounds, but umm… Needless to say, I’m happy. Satisfied that I can finally be myself, and be happy, and that someone can sacrifice for me the way I do.
• I’m learning about myself again. About music I like, because I can listen to whatever I want. About what I like to do, about what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what my limits are.
  I know I made a mistake, and I feel the guilt every day. But maybe the outcome wasn’t all bad.
  Someone recently told me “I hope you can find yourself before your train wreck becomes a total life disaster.”
  When I read this, I will admit, I was crushed. I was less worried about who it could have been than what they were saying. Because even if I don’t personally know who wrote this, I was so worried that they were right. That this one mistake was a sign of where my life was going.

  But after lots of introspection, I know I’m finally doing what’s right for me. After seeking lots of advice, I know that that’s not the type of person I am.
  My life will not become a ‘total life disaster’ because, even though I made a huge mistake, and hurt someone that I loved, it doesn’t make me who I am. If I don’t learn from that mistake, then
  yes, I may be headed for a bad place. But I already have learned from that mistake, and have vowed to myself to never make it again. I’m sorry there was such a hefty price for that lesson, but at least it won’t happen again.

  The fact of the matter remains that even good people do bad things. Everyone makes mistakes, and I’m just trying to learn and recover from mine.

Whew! I feel so much better after all that venting. I promise, I think about y’all all the time, wondering what’s going on in your lives! I will be back, at least more than I am now!