Dear Becca (from 7 months ago),
You’ve just broken up with your boyfriend of 3 years. I think, (if I remember correctly) you’re still kind of wondering if this is even real. You might even be entirely convinced that it’s not. You’re totally thinking that there is hope for the future.
You’ve convinced yourself of these things because the truth is just entirely too painful. You know the truth, somewhere deep, deep down.
You know that he’s the love of your life. You know that you’ve given everything you had to give to him. You didn’t at first, but as time went on, you got brave and started dreaming of a life with him. Of real things that your heart wouldn’t let you dream of before him. Like weddings, and houses, and kids, and everything you’ve always ever wanted.
Sweet girl, it’s going to hurt. The next few months especially are going to be the hardest, darkest days you’ve ever seen. You’ve never gone through a pain like this, and it’s gonna hurt. It’s going to have to hurt.
And, even now, I can’t blame you for trying to believe. He’s the father of your child. He’s seen you through things you never expected anyone to stand by you through. You’re going to want to try, even if there’s a sliver of a chance. You wouldn’t be the person you are, the person that believes true and lasting love really and truly exists, if you didn’t. But please know that you have tried and tried and tried again. You’ve given every ounce of energy, and that makes you such an amazing person. That gives you a quality that is so rare in this day and age.
This journey has in no way been easy. You find yourself constantly stretched to your max. Some days you will doubt everything about everything. Him, you, love, the world. Everything. Some days you’ll doubt if this journey has changed you for the better at all.
But there will be a day, after all of his walking away, after all of his making you doubt yourself, after all of his rejecting you, after every single time he made you feel like a crazy lunatic, there will be day. It won’t feel like The Day at all.
And it’s definitely not “The Day” you’re picturing now. “The day” you’re picturing has him running back to you, admitting to all of his mistakes, grovelling at your feet, and asking for you to take him back.
‘The Day’ that I’m talking about is the day that you finally rip the band-aid off. The day you finally discover that all of the pain you are putting yourself through isn’t worth it. The day you finally tell him no, give up on the past, and forge a new path forward. Because, on this day, the unknown is so much less scary that what you’re leaving behind.
Dear girl, you’ve become so strong through all of this. You’re truly becoming who you’ve always known you wanted to be. And although you knew that this is what would happen. You could see it coming, but you couldn’t have dreamed how amazing it feels to BE HERE. Life is isn’t perfect, but life will never be perfect.
There will be so many days that you doubt yourself. So many days that you regret your decision. So many days that you wish you could turn back time and just make the hurt and the pain go away, and be his once again.
But believe me, without this pain, you won’t go on this journey. Without this journey, you won’t get to where we can one day be. And that’s at a real love. A real, true, and lasting love. A dream that you won’t have to let go of, that you won’t have to watch shatter on the ground. A dream that can be dreamed. A dream that can even be realized.
Just be strong. Because this chapter’s gonna suck. But the next chapter? Well, I guess we’ll just see.
Oh, and for a long time, you’ll be caught up in the thought of her “winning”. Don’t worry. Forget the fact that neither of them are winning a prize worth winning, worth demeaning yourself for, worth sacrificing your morals, and yourself, for. If he can be “won”, he wasn’t worth fighting for in the first place.
You almost feel sorry for them now. Yes, both of them. The anger will fade. You won’t want to see her, but it’s really okay.
Just stay strong. Because that’s all we can be.